The Hearer Also Has Responsibilities

The responsibilities of the hearer of the message:

1. Always start with where you agree with a speaker.
2. Listen to the message and the heart of the speaker rather than focusing only on the words.
3. Don't get hung up on a word or a phrase that a speaker uses and take them out of context in order to take offense.
4. Check things out with the person directly as to what he or she meant rather than making assumptions.
5. Begin by erring on the side of trusting that the person has a good heart. In Alma 61: 9 in the Book of Mormon Pahoran responds to the chastisement of Captain Moroni by saying, "And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart."
6. Don't be easily offended and remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
7. Stay focused on one's own message and cause and give no heed unto those who would distract you or even attack you.

Those who would be remarkable leaders will be those who take responsibility for what they say AND for the way they listen to what is said by others.

You May Be Right!

As the immediate past president of an organization and still on the Executive Board I was having some frustrations with the current leadership's disregard for my recommendations but yet still wanting my help when it got in a bind. Rather than stew in my frustration I felt it was best to be assertive and express the frustration in as an honest and open way as I could.

My first mistake was probably relying on email to do this but relied on it as it was the only way the Executive Board was communicating. My second mistake was hoping that the current president would respond in a way different from her past track record. Although her response did follow a similar vein, her response did give me some food for thought upon which I have pondered.

In her response to me she said that she wouldn't "engage in this conversation with me. You are assuming things and making your own reality." After pondering on this and counseling with some friends in leadership positions such as my good friend, Kate Asbill, I came to the conclusion that she was probably right. Yet, I also realized that there is more to the story.

Assuming things and making up our own reality is what all of us do. Each of us has had diverse experiences that cause us to operate from a different "awareness wheel" as my friend Connie Frisch would often remind me.

Therefore, when someone has the courage to come to us honestly expressing how he or she is seeing things, rather than cut off the conversation because we don't see it that way, we have a prime opportunity to open up an engaging and healthy dialogue and conversation. It starts by saying, "I'm so sorry you are seeing things that way. Help me to understand what is making you see things that way." This type of response has the potential to not only strengthen the relationship but also to help both learn how to be better communicators and leaders.

I don't write this today to be critical of this leader as each of us is at a different point on the leadership continuum. I write it because of the lesson I learned on how I need to respond better and more productively when others courageously approach me with their assumptions and own reality.

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

Last week the Utah Jazz won two of two playoff games against the Houston Rockets in Houston. All of a sudden Utah newscasters were predicting that it would be a sweep. That truly surprised me if they had been watching the games. Although the Jazz won both games, both games were extremely close. Also, both teams looked pretty equal. Therefore, either team could possibly win on any given night.
The Jazz team members actually realized this--At least, much better than the media did. So it was the media that had egg on its face when the Jazz lost to the Rockets last night in the first game in Utah.
The lesson to be learned from this is that we can never assume that we have arrived when we still have a long road to travel to arrive at a desired destination.